In polyamory, conversations about the ease of meeting people through apps often lead to a debate. A debate that has as its subject that men seem to have a harder time finding partners than women, and many complain on forums as if something unfair is happening to them. However, in reality, it's the behavior of men themselves that creates the difficulties they encounter. These same behaviors are the ones that cause the problems that women have to face on dating platforms.
What are these behaviors. The consequences of these behaviors. Why do men struggle on dating sites. Why are there many more men.
The answers to these questions are multiple and mainly relate to the realities that many women face in these environments. Safety, respect, and the quality of interactions play an essential role. Many men do not realize that their behaviors, whether unconscious or deliberate, create a space where women feel less safe or less respected. As a result, some women choose to limit their presence or avoid dating apps and sites.
If there are fewer women, it's because there's very little interest for them in seeking casual sex. However, it's not a question of gender. Many women appreciate these encounters, and many men are demisexual. It's not your gender that determines your desires and needs when it comes to sex.
Women are much more exposed to the risk of physical and sexual violence, especially when they meet someone they know little or not at all. A casual encounter can put them in a situation where their safety is at risk. A one-night stand does not literally put a man's life in danger, but it can be the case for a woman. It is much riskier for a woman to seek this out, the risk-reward ratio is not at all balanced. I quote Margaret Atwood: “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”
Another rarely discussed but very significant factor is the orgasm gap. In casual heterosexual encounters, men reach orgasm much more often than women. This lack of physical satisfaction can naturally discourage some women from seeking casual relationships. If the chances of sexual pleasure are low, it's not surprising that interest in these encounters decreases.
For more casual searches, there is also this risk. Even with means of contraception, there is always a risk, and the consequences of an unwanted pregnancy are much heavier for women than for men. And they have no guarantee that the man will be there to support her in her decisions.
Societal perceptions around casual sex are still much more lenient towards men than towards women. Many women who engage in these relationships are often faced with slut shaming and a lack of respect. It's frustrating to embark on the search for casual encounters only to receive insulting messages from men who, in theory, are looking for the same thing.
Objectification also plays a key role. Women often feel perceived as objects rather than people, creating a feeling of dehumanization and a lack of emotional connection, making these encounters less attractive.
Another problem is that some men are not always clear about their intentions. They may present themselves as seeking a serious relationship, only to want a casual encounter once trust is established. This creates confusion and frustration, especially for women seeking deeper relationships.
What many men do not realize is that this high demand makes it more difficult for them to stand out. Women are often flooded with messages, sometimes sent by men who have not even read their profile. This makes the experience tiring and frustrating for them. They can receive hundreds of messages, most of which do not match what they are really looking for.
Toxic masculinity also plays a significant role in how some men approach casual sex. Many are conditioned to view sex as a conquest, which leads them to neglect emotional intimacy and respect for their partners. The behavior of some men on dating sites or in casual sex situations can quickly go from 'chill' to 'American Psycho'. These attitudes not only harm relationships, but they also discourage women from seeking online encounters, contributing to the imbalance.
The abundance of men seeking adventures also has consequences for those seeking serious relationships. With so many men in competition, those who are genuinely interested in a lasting relationship struggle to stand out. This imbalance creates a vicious circle of frustration for everyone.
A significant part of the problem comes from the platforms' algorithms themselves, designed to create a certain frustration and encourage members, mainly men, to pay to increase their chances of success. Dating apps are primarily commercial businesses, and their main goal is to maximize profits. To do this, they adopt strategies that exploit the needs and desires of members.
Although I'm sure some women have toxic behavior on apps, they're not the reason why everyone's fun is ruined. And a distinction must be made between toxic behavior like sending a hateful message and not responding to you. Nobody owes you a conversation, or even a response, let alone a meeting, and not even an explanation of why she's not talking to you anymore.
It is unlikely that men aware of their toxic or manipulative behaviors will suddenly change. However, for the others, this article could lead them to think about their behavior on dating sites.
That's why the site is free. Because then we don't focus on profit but on encounters. If there is an algorithm, it's not based on frustration to sell subscriptions but on highlighting quality profiles. We promote a culture of respect, communication, consent, and kindness. We are increasingly particular about the quality of the profiles offered and always looking for ways to invite members to fill out their profile as completely as possible. Means are also being studied to avoid mass liking where the person doesn't read the profiles.
The fact that men have more difficulty meeting women on dating sites is not simply a matter of proportion. It's mainly the result of the inappropriate behavior of some men and the applications themselves, which make these platforms less attractive to women, and contribute to this imbalance. Of course, the problem is much deeper than that, it goes far beyond dating apps. But even if here, we are only acting on a symptom, if it's to offer a better experience then it's worth it.